is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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