So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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