I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
