Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
