There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
