bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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