I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
