the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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