angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
