can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
