woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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