Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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