i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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