the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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