i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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