when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
