Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Randomize
