Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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