I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
