Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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