i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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