you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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