I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So many bounce houses so little time
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
