My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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