He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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