I'm so fucking centered right now
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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