why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
