My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
