Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The Olympian is in my bed
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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