I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
