cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
