one word: firstdatebathroomanal
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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