did you get engaged???
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
