Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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