doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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