hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
