winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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