Sorry, I don't speak sober.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
