You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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