Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
