The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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