I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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