I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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