When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
