if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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