worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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