3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
