I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
