He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
