im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
