life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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