Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
